In this amazing alternate version of his conference speech:
Here’s conclusive proof from Google of who the greatest living Yorkshireman *actually* is:
I don’t like to think of it as losing a paper tax disc, but instead as gaining an in-car biscuit holder pic.twitter.com/GSwBXQUe2W— B-aRRRRRR-y (@QuantumPirate) December 5, 2013
You’d think people would have got used to the idea of vegetarianism by now. It’s really not a difficult concept to grasp. You don’t eat meat and fish; you do eat, uh, everything else basically.
But still the questions come. The ridiculous, socially-inappropriate questions. And the assertions so stupid you find it hard to believe they’re being spoken by a real, human adult.
In an attempt to prevent you completely losing the will to live, we’ve made a list of 18 stupid things all vegetarians will hear at some point in their lives, along with recommendations of how to respond the next time you’re confronted with such dull-witted idiocy.
Meat and fish aren’t the only sources of protein, and if you don’t know that you’re a fool.
Compassion for animals? How awful.
"I hate animals so much I don’t even want them in my mouth" was the lie one of our friends thought up, to stop people being so fucking repetitive.
Yes. I don’t want my mum to die and, like many people, I’d quite like lots of money.
It’s BACON, not a vital organ I’m electing to go without.
Also, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know because I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker, so there’s that.
Yup. But not for the reason you think.
No, and I don’t want a bloody stuffed pepper either. Stop stuffing peppers.
Oh no, you’ve found a loophole to my logic! I must eat burgers until I explode!
Is it part of your religion to ask pointless, intrusive questions?
Not really, I can cope with the idea that people have different opinions to me. I do hate you for being a tedious bore though.
Actually, no, I hate you because you’re made of meat.
Closer to chicken periods really, but yes, poultry farming isn’t always lovely. Even if the box says “free range”.
Really, the only truly ethical stance is veganism, then self-euthanisation. But you know, stuff to do…
Um… You don’t need meat to stay healthy.
I appreciate your concern, truly.
Nope, we evolved to be omnivores. We can survive on pretty much anything.
I also allow my cat to shit in a tray in the kitchen. As you may be able to tell, we abide by different life rules.
Well… mainly I shouldn’t eat them because they’re just not as delicious as halloumi or a paneer curry.
But ethically, it’s equivalent to accusing someone eating a gingerbread man of cannibalism.
No. C’mon, it’s not that hard to work around. There’s loads of great vegetarian food. Pizza for example, one of the most popular foods in the world.
Ah, reductio ad Hitlerum.