We listened to all 25 painful minutes of Dapper Laughs’ Christmas album, so you don’t have to!

Nothing says Christmas like a urinary tract infection and a cash-in single, are we right?

Wrong! It’s a cash-in album you low-expectations-having prongs!

Strap in, because for the best part of half an hour we’ll be listening to the word ‘moist’ more often than can possibly be appropriate for an adult who doesn’t bake a lot of sponges.

Yes, we’re about to listen to all 14 tracks of Dapper Laughses’ Proper Naughty Christmas!

But first, let’s check out the cover!

Hashtags! Use the hashtags! Go on social media and use the hashtags! Without hashtags DL will wither like a naughty pear left in a fruitbowl of public indifference! #Christmas!

Right, here we go:

TRACK 1: A Proper Naughty Welcome (0:35)

Sleigh bells? Check!

Glockenspiel? Check!

Man shouting “She knows!” at the same time as trying to sound welcoming and festive? Check.

A 35-second spoken word introduction is a classic trope of Christmas music, often employed by the likes of Frank Sinatra or Bing Crosby to welcome you to their records. Except instead of “Hello, friends…”, here you’re greeted with “Oy oy!”

As he tries to sound warm and endearing, Dapper just ends up sounding a little unsure. Perhaps hinting at the immense sadness that must lurk just beneath the surface…

TRACK 2: Dapper Laughs Christmas Story (2:22)

Wow. This is an experience. There’s some fake party noise behind Dapper as he delivers a monologue about his alcoholic father, mainly made up of jokes that were knocking on in the mid-1980s.

However, there’s something about the determined way he ploughs through this irredeemable rubbish (peppered with a couple of actually good jokes) that is endearing. At least twice he fluffs a line, but whereas a more seasoned performer (or someone with longer to spend in the studio) would have had another run at it and edited the fluff out, he keeps on keeping on – reading onwards. Ever onwards.

Until he stops. And tells you he’s going somewhere else. And you’re left with an awkward five seconds of more fake party noise, which fades out…

And fades back in with more fake party noise for…

TRACK 3: Baldy Matt’s Office Christmas Party (2:51)

This is where the tragedy of Dapper Laughs’ Christmas really becomes apparent. It’s another interior monologue during which the priapic spunk-blizzard watches a group of imaginary people having fun at a Christmas party.

Three tracks in, and we still haven’t had anything that could be described as a song, but fortunately, after almost getting into a fight with a fictional man, Dapper meets an actual lady, Roberta.

Roberta is a singer and thinks the word ‘moist’ is ‘good work’. She’s going to sing, would Dapper like to join her? Will he manage to keep his promise to Roberta not to be naughty while she sings? Are we going to finally get some music on this ‘album’?

TRACK 4: Christmas Time (2:26)

A bizarre chant, which for some reason the composer has decided to write in 6/8 so it sounds like an evangelical hymn about how brilliant Jesus is.

So, do we hear Dapper sing, finally? No, he just shouts things as Roberta drones on about the wonder of Christmas.

ROBERTA: Christmas is all about giving!

DAPPER: No, it’s all about receiving!

You’d have thought someone who’s based a lot of his career on double entendre would have thought that one through a little better…

TRACK 5: Proper Moist (2:10)

And here it is! Over the protests of the imaginary audience, Dapper Laughs grabs the mike and performs an exclusive, acoustic version of Proper Moist.

Weirdly, during it he’s heckled by an ‘irate audience member’ who claims he’s “a wanker” and he “can’t sing”. Worried as we were that this might have been our subconscious intruding into the ‘music’, it turns out to be an artistic choice.

As we hear Dapper Laughs gamely try to defend himself from the abuse of someone he himself has invented, we can’t help but pity the turgid bore, who may be slowly dying inside.

So upset is Dapper by the man’s repeated insults of his mother that he decides to leave and go to the pub. The non-existent pub.

TRACK 6: A Walk To The Pub… With A Tramp (2:03)

There is actually wind howling around this track, and for a brief moment we wonder if this is all going to turn into a version of A Christmas Carol where Dapper is haunted by the Ghost of Moistness Past.

Again, we can only wonder at the loneliness of Dapper’s life as he walks to the pub on his own, contemplating life, and ends up befriending a tramp, for he has no other friends.

Maybe Stockholm syndrome has set in, but we actually laughed aloud at:

DAPPER: No splash, no gash!

TRAMP: I actually have a gash in my leg.

It’s a Christmas miracle!

TRACK 7: The Aussie Barman (1:29)

This is a chat with an Aussie barman who sounds suspiciously like the Tramp from the previous track.

What is this? We don’t understand what is going on.

TRACK 8: That Guy From Westlife… In The Pub (0:33)

It is the guy from Westlife! In a recording studio, with some fake pub noises dubbed on!

It’s an actual real other human who wants to perform with Dapper! Christmas is saved! Except for the fact that he has a venereal disease! That he… caught off his mum?

How did things get this dark in 33 seconds?

TRACK 9: Christmas at Dapper’s (3:52)

So far, this is the musical highlight, because it actually contains some music. The sung chorus and rapped verses are like a Poundsaver version of The Streets.

Brian From Westlife continues the theme of Dapper’s deep internal misery by wailing “Shed a tear for Dapper!” Christmas at Dapper’s “wasn’t a laugh” because he caught his mum having sex with Father Christmas and then Father Christmas said “She knows!” at him.

Which makes Dapper’s mum a ho-ho-ho-ho-ho [sic].

TRACK 10: Cracking Onto A Sweetheart (0:33)

This is odd. Dapper’s internal monologue has become that of a seductive lady who’s listing the luxurious furnishings of the bathroom… wait a minute!

We listened to the album on Spotify, and the last track was followed by a B&Q ad. We seriously couldn’t tell that it wasn’t part of this album. Another spoken word track with an odd backing, 30 seconds long, listing materialistic bullshit.

ACTUAL TRACK 10: Cracking Onto A Sweetheart (0:33)

Dark. Still alone at the party, apparently abandoned by Brian From Westlife, Dapper tries to make small talk with a largely ambivalent lady. The pain in his voice is unmistakable.

No wonder so many suicides happen at Christmas.

TRACK 11: Slow Down Dapper (2:31)

The sleigh bells are back, it’s another actual song and the scrotal schizophrenia reaches new, appalling levels.

Remember the young lady Dapper was trying to chat up in the last track? She’s now – in the course of two and a half minutes – got over her disdain for him, started flirting with him, and, by the end of the song, decided that she’d like “one up the bum”.

In this song, as in everything, Dapper lets the woman he’s working with do all the heavy lifting, just sniggering the occasional “Oy oy!” Far from the tedious, unsuccessful lech of 2:31 ago, Dapper now waves goodbye to his good friend Brian From Westlife.

TRACK 12: Leaving The Pub…With A Tramp (1:21)

And suddenly the wind is howling again, and the woman he has left the pub with goes strangely, mysteriously silent. Almost as if they couldn’t afford her for another recording session.

As Dapper and The Tramp talk about the inaudible woman with ever more desperation – “this bird I’ve got here” and “looks like you’ve pulled” – it reaches the stage where she’s actually ignoring direct questions. Because she doesn’t exist.

With the howling wind and the missing woman, we can’t help but think that maybe all of Dapper’s success in the pub was a fiction, like The Tramp’s was. Maybe they’re both just hobos, lying in the street, imagining what it would be like to have a proper Christmas?

Still, at least they’ve got each other…

TRACK 13: Rudolph and his Red Nose (1:38)

With The Tramp laying down some sort of beat, Dapper raps about how Rudolph, another Christmas legend, is secretly miserable.

At the end he bids his homeless friend adieu and they part, each to go their separate ways on this most magical of nights.

Then Dapper shouts that The Tramp stinks of shit.

TRACK 14: Have A Proper Naughty Xmas! (0:39)

And Dapper turns to us, his shit-eating grin encrusted with snow, and he wishes us all a lovely Christmas.

And he turns away with his imaginary lady to whatever the empty hell that makes up his festive period is.

This is just really sad.

It may be a cry for help.

If you truly, truly despise yourself, you can listen to Proper Naughty Xmas in full via Spotify:

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