We’ve redesigned Monopoly to make it more accurate: without inherited wealth you lose
We’ve reinvented everyone’s least favourite board game for the age of austerity!
Originally created as a satire on capitalism, Monopoly has now become a flagship game for Donald Trump enthusiasts of all ages. So we decided to fix it – and the new game of AUSTERITY! was born.
Here’s how it works:
1) Players are divided into two categories, BOSS and PLEB. There can be only one BOSS and they’re also the banker – they get £5,000 given to them at the start, and every time they pass Go. The PLEBS receive a meagre £57 and are frankly doomed from the off.
Whoever in the group was born into the most inherited wealth becomes the BOSS, they’ve clearly earned their privilege. Everyone else is a PLEB.
2) The BOSS moves around the board on the outer ring, with the large squares. The PLEBS are restricted to the painfully slow inner ring.
3) The BOSS may purchase any properties landed on, from the very beginning of the game. PLEBS must complete one full circuit of the board before they are allowed this privilege.
4) The BOSS may offer “competitively” rated loans to any player who runs out of money.
That’s how we play, now let’s get this party of despair started!
See how happy we all were at the start! Look at the joy, the hope, the anticipation of a better tomorrow!
Time to institute a class system!
After attempting to discern who amongst us was born into the most inherited wealth (Rule 1) and failing to do so, we inevitably left the BOSS/PLEB decision to luck. Our Donald Trump was chosen: step forward left-wing comedian Mr Nathaniel Tapley, future BASTARD.
Rob, Simon and Brian, the three PLEBS were given their £57, and off we went, Rachman Tapley instantly buying up as much property as possible. Within three turns it was easy to see that this game was NOT going to take long to play. Tapley was raking it in, with terrifying glee!
The importance of handing over £2 to Tapley, who suddenly held all our lives in the sweaty palms of his hands was becoming too much to bear. Six turns in and only one of us PLEBS had more than £15 remaining. Tapley had just bought The Shard.
Brian then lightened the mood by celebrating the birth of his first child! Or more accurately, the extra £10 he’ll receive every time he passes go, the feckless scrounging doleite scum.
The joy is short-lived, as he then runs out of food and he and his new baby starve to death in a bin. Meanwhile Rob is fired by Tapley, losing half of his earnings before being kicked into the gutter and left to rot.
It was now Simon against the system. HE WAS GOING TO DO THIS! RISE UP! FUCK THE SYSTEM! SCREW YOU LORD NATHANIEL TAPLEY… oh, a £250 bill arrives from Tapley’s freshly-purchased e.on energy franchise. Simon now has £5 to his name.
If we learned one thing from this game, it’s that money has changed one man beyond recognition.
So, ten minutes of fun misery, no arguments, no fallouts and bonus ham-fisted satire!
If you want to play for yourself, print out the board, cards and money below. Make your own rules, attempt to form a communist collective, make a run on the bank, overthrow the patriarchal hegemony, or just realise we’re all doomed. Imagine how depressing this would all have been if we’d included the NHS!
Sleep well Britain, and spend your £57 wisely.
THE BOARD (best printed in A3):
NO CHANCE CARDS:
BIG SOCIETY CARDS:
29 Jan 2015